The Survival Guide; Traveling With Family

When I was little, I used to watch Home Alone and feel bad for Kevin McCallister. Now, I realize that Kevin McCallister was #livinthelife. Sometimes, there can be a tad too much togetherness during the holiday season. Besides, being a real-life fashion icon, Kevin McCallister also had a few nifty tricks up his sleeve. So, if you get the sudden urge to reverse Home Alone your family, follow this foolproof five-step plan to keep it together over the next couple of weeks.

1. The universal sign for “do not talk to me” is wearing earbuds. If you are sick and tired of listening to your family’s small talk about the weather, the latest sports games and the menu for the upcoming meal, this is a fantastic way to help your family understand that you just are not interested. Using this clever trick will also discourage distant aunts and uncles from approaching you to prod about your grades, dating life and post high school plans. It does not even matter if you are listening to music, old people are confused by technology, so they will not know what is going on anyway.

2. In my 17 years of life, I have avoided many sticky situations by pretending to be asleep. At this point, my mom just thinks that I sleep deep as heck. Basically, this plan is 100% guaranteed to work. All you need is some sort of laying-down surface (ie couch, futon, bed, floor, another person) and your eyelids. When things get a little annoying (or maybe more than a little annoying), and your skull feels like it is about to split open, just take a second to yourself. Now, when I say “take a second for yourself,” I do not mean to do that “counting down from ten” garbage. THAT DOES NOT WORK, MOM! Just retreat to a basement or an oft forgotten bedchamber and ignore the sound of your family calling you for dinner. Bonus points if your family leaves the house to look for you.

3. I know that I said that pretending to be asleep is a foolproof plan, but sometimes it does not work all that well. Therefore, the next logical step is to try and get your family to fall asleep. If your family is anything like mine, they literally never rest. Due to the fact that I have never seen my mom even sit down, the only viable option is drugs. Our personal recommendation is Benadryl. Benadryl is an easy, cheap, over the counter solution to people interacting with you. Next time you are feeling a bit peeved, just grind up three (or more) tablets, and stir it into the fig pudding. “Can you please pass the pudding, honey?” “You bet, Mom!”

4. Too many family trips have ended in chaos due to a poorly handled +4 card in Uno or one too many estates purchased in Monopoly. Highly competitive games like these have the tendency to create extreme hatred between relatives and even, in the worst cases, rip families apart completely. The trick to avoiding this awkward occurrence during a family vacation is to bring games that are less competitive, and maybe even require teamwork. My personal favorites are Telestrations, Crocodile Moray and Twister. Just please, for the love of everything good, keep the Wii hidden in the closet.

5. Sometimes literally nothing works ever, so then the only option left is to go completely unconscious. Due to the excess of food around the holiday season, the easiest way to achieve this is through food coma. For those inexperienced with the food coma, all you need to do, is eat your bodyweight in refined sugar and carbs. Butter can also help. Just make sure to fill your plate and then suffer alone in a state of half consciousness for the rest of the winter.

You may not ever be able to achieve the level of class or wit possessed by Kevin McCallister, but if you play your cards right, you may be able to be HOME ALONE, or at least just alone in general. If all else fails, you can always just take a nice, big scoop of fig pudding for yourself.