Tips for Collage Readiness

Tips for Collage Readiness:

There are two reasons you probably are here right now. One, you are an over-prepared junior (or under-prepared senior) in the market for some college application tips. Or, you are here because the seemingly blatant spelling error in the title drew you in. Either way- PSYCH!! I did not mean college as in “higher education.” I would never, ever mean that, I promise you. I meant collage, as in “cuttin’ stuff out and stickin’ stuff together.”

Let us begin.

1. Find some scissors or some sort of sharp knife or use your teeth. I do not care.

2. Get some glue or tape or maybe your spit if you are too rugged for an Elmer’s glue stick.

3. Get some stuff to cut up. For the purpose of this craft, use college admissions pamphlets and books. I saved mine for over a year so I could have a good bank of material. Not only do they use interesting words, but cutting them up is quite cathartic.

4. Stick them back together in an interesting way. Write some angsty poetry, make some angsty art. Really show colleges how you feel about standardized tests, tuition prices, applications and financial aid by cutting up their pretentious, laminated little books. Take that, Harvard! Take that, University of Chicago!

You are now ready to COLLAGE. I assure you, this is the only skill you will need for the years following high school. I have attached an example for those of you who are “visual learners.”

Transcription of COLLAGE:

Hello, my name is College

I am success

A custom course of study with minors, certificates, and special programs.

Your advantage

The destination

It is a fact.

And we want you

Maybe

But we only take the good humans

People as vibrant and prismatic as hippos

And defined by their emotion-charged testing requirements and club sports

You should be studying because it is a

Prestigious school

It’s not meant to be comprehensive or an education

What is this thing called thinking?

And it’s a disaster

So

Onwards!

To my basement.