Spring, one of the four most magical seasons of the year. Bunnies frolic, plants burst into bloom and the snow falls on to those same rabbits and flowers and kills them. Spring also brings about a marked change in the flora and fauna of the delicate ecosystem that is this large windowless building we call our school. Every year, the first nice day of spring is revealed by the 3:12 bell, sending the droves of pubescents (and pre-pubescents) out into the light of day for the first time in, as it may sometimes feel to them, weeks. Once their eyes have adjusted to the harsh glare of the sun, they are able to drink in the glorious fresh air, see the still dead plants and bits of rubbish glowing like magical gemstones in the first light of spring.
This extreme stimuli, while breathtaking, has a very curious effect on these bedraggled tweens. Youngsters who have not seen a sunny day since the previous September all simultaneously rush home, brimming with excitement over what joy has been thrust down upon them by Apollo. Then, they begin to dig, in bins and boxes, credenzas and closets until they find their open toed, cropped and frayed prizes. The very next day, the temperature has dropped down to a slim but firm 24 degrees, with a wind chill of 8. Yet they arrive in droves, some with socks, some without, all with startlingly pasty ankles. It is spring fever, and it is far from healthy.
The irresponsible wearing of sandals and other summer garments has grown into a sort of epidemic within our school, and I am here to tell you it is time to BirkenSTOP. The corrupt and illogical shorts industry is one of the most prominent evils in this plague upon our red and white halls. While simple buttoned shorts are seemingly being phased out, a new breed of shorts are rapidly taking over. They are patterned monstrosities, with elastic waistbands and drawstrings, which are never acceptable unless you are exercising. In some of the more extreme cases, some gentleman’s shorts are simply swim trunks masquerading as “volley shorts.” At this point, we need to ask ourselves,
“Is what I’m wearing really dress code compliant?”
This springtime mania also gives way to the irresponsible, and often illogical, use of sandals. If you are going to partake in this controversial open toed footwear trend, please do so when the weather permits. If you need to wear socks, you do not need to wear sandals, irregardless of the comfort an overpriced hiking sandal may provide. Chacos and Tevas can offer a fun, simple way to look nice and summery, but not in excess. Dressier sandals, such as Birkenstocks, can look very nice, but if you find yourself sliding your toes into a pair while wearing a long sleeve tee shirt that bears the word “Patagonia” and khaki pants or shorts, please take a good long look at your life. Lastly, do not take anything I say personally, it is just personal preference and I have probably done all of these things. Always remember, dress responsibly. Or don’t, go nuts, this is America.